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A cooperative bedroom arrangement in which two overexcited adults attempt to service each other’s downstairs buffet at the exact same time, usually discovering that multitasking becomes considerably harder when someone’s nose is in your gravy aisle.
Half passion, half administrative error. Like trying to pat your head, rub your stomach and eat a kebab while folded into a deckchair.
Also: The smuttiest number ever scribbled on a school exercise book by a boy who smelled faintly of Lynx Africa and poor decisions.
Absolute Fuckwit
A man so magnificently thick he could lose a staring contest with a kettle. The sort of blinking salad who’d lock himself out of a sleeping bag.
AIDS
The least welcome souvenir ever brought home from a romantic misadventure. A brutal reminder that flinging your pork bayonet about like a drunk majorette can end in more than just a sticky gusset and a difficult phone call.
Anal
Back-door bingo. Uphill gardening. Stuff the pink in the stink. A visit to the tradesman’s entrance.
Example: “I’ve never tried anal, what’s it like?”
“Like posting a broom handle through a letterbox that hates you.”
Bastard
A child apparently assembled from the combined efforts of every rogue in the parish.
Also: a handy term for a mate who’s just pinched your chips.
Bean Flicker
A fiddler of the lady-banjo. One who rings the downstairs doorbell like he’s late for work and locked out.
Beaver
A luxuriant lady-thicket.
A woolly front-bottom resembling a startled woodland mammal that’s been dragged through a hedge backwards.
Beef Curtains
The more generous sort of lady-fringe, hanging about like the doorway flaps in a butcher’s cold room.
Bellend
The polished purple summit of the gentleman’s truncheon. The little crash helmet atop the old yoghurt hose.
Bollocks
The gentleman’s fruit pouch. Two pendulous mood-orbs swinging beneath the old chap.
Also: A forceful statement of disbelief, usually barked when someone says they’ve spent three grand on a garden pod.
Bukkake
A rather over-attended celebration in which one lucky volunteer receives enough gentleman’s glaze to resemble a chapel cake decorated by six decorators and a man called Kev.
Bumhole
The tradesman’s entrance.
That puckered little emergency exit you probably clean with all the care and attention of a teenager washing a saucepan.
Butt Plug
A back-door dildo, used to warm up the service entrance before a bit of anal or an evening of advanced poor decisions.
Camel Toe
The front-bottom equivalent of a handbrake turn in leggings. The result of trousers so tight they split the parish like Moses with a sewing machine.
Clunge
A lady’s front-bottom in a state of advanced dishevelment.
A ruffled growler. The sort of undercarriage that looks like a crow’s nest after a thunderstorm.
If anyone refers to your lady-garden as clunge, it may be time to trim the hedge or simply tell them to fuck off.
Cream Pie
The glorious sight of freshly delivered man-custard dribbling from whichever hatch it was posted through.
Also: sounds like something your aunt would serve with tea, which hardly helps.
Cum Guzzler
A connoisseur of gentleman’s gravy.
A throat athlete who could neck a pint of knob-yoghurt before most people have found the light switch.
Cunt
Beaver, Foof, Minge, Cock Pocket, Gash, Growler, Prison Purse, Bearded Clam, Rat’s Nose, Vertical Smile, Burst Couch, Twat, Fanny, Clunge, your best mate…
Also: pretty much the worst thing you can call anyone. If a lady calls you this, you are one. If that lady is your Nan, you probably live on a council estate. Will that mattress be in your front garden forever? A traditional Friday farewell on a Bank Holiday weekend: e.g. “See You Next Tuesday”.
Daddy Issues
A phrase commonly muttered by blokes who’ve mistaken owning a leather sofa for having a personality.
Also: very probably a category on some unspeakable website.
Dildo
The world’s most determined intruder.
Any object longer than it is wide that some maniac has looked at and thought, “I wonder.”
Example: Anything’s a dildo if your standards are low enough and your courage is higher than your wisdom.
Dirty Sanchez
A notoriously revolting bedroom flourish involving a bit of after-sales smearing to the upper lip.
Proof that pornography has much to answer for and moustaches deserve better.
Donkey Punch
A grubby old porno phrase best left in the dustbin of bad ideas.
Generally used by internet goblins describing a bedroom manoeuvre so idiotic it sounds like it was invented in a bus shelter by a man with no curtains.
Dutch Rudder
A cooperative hand-shandy in which your own fist remains on the tiller while another helpful idiot provides the elbow grease.
Nautical, in the same way a kebab is salad.
Fanny
UK English: Old-school slang for pussy.
US English: The fleshy rear veranda surrounding the bumhole.
A transatlantic misunderstanding waiting to happen in a gift shop.
Fisting
The ambitious insertion of a clenched hand into the back or front passage of an adult who has clearly signed a waiver somewhere.
Note: Passage may appear less surprised afterwards.
Flaps
Fanny cabbage.
The lady’s purple bacon drapes.
The decorative curtains at the entrance to the velvet pub.
Fuck This
The official phrase uttered when one has had enough of the current disaster and is off to make different, possibly worse, decisions.
Example: “This film’s boring as fuck, this kebab’s cold, and your mate Steve won’t stop talking about fucking crypto. Fuck This Noise.”
Gang Bang
A crowded bedroom fixture in which every opening becomes a booking and one game participant ends up getting passed around like a remote control at Christmas.
Gaping Arsehole
A rear passage that’s had far too much attention, often following extended anal, advanced toy usage, or an afternoon of terrible planning.
Glory Hole
A specially adapted cubicle wall featuring a suspiciously placed opening through which anonymous favours may be exchanged by adults with low standards, no hobbies, and an unhealthy faith in public plumbing.
Gobble Me
A romantic lunchtime request involving your downstairs cafeteria and a guest who’s arrived hungry.
Hard-On
A fully inflated gentleman’s baton. A trouser-tent.
A thumping pork periscope pointing due north and making button-flys fear for their lives.
Jam Rag
A lady’s monthly flag.
A bit of emergency gusset upholstery deployed during Shark Week when the downstairs ketchup bottle has gone rogue.
Jimmy Savile
Former DJ, TV presenter, marathon runner, charity fundraiser, the very first and the very last presenter of the BBC’s flagship music show “Top of the Pops.”
Also: King of the nonces. The most notorious paedophile to escape justice in modern times. The one to beat, so to say.
Mexican Pancake
A grim little breakfast special involving a facial garnish and far too much confidence from the chef.
MILF
Acronym: Mum I’d Like to Fuck.
A glamorous mammarazzi who’s somehow kept the goods in showroom condition despite years of school runs, birthdays and arguing with Sky Broadband.
Milky Titties
A generous pair of dairy cannons.
A set of wobble-jugs so promising they could make a grown man consider building a porch and settling down.
Nonce
Park-side sweets and distributor of puppies. A kiddy fiddler. A nonce. Often found disguised as a school. Stealer of youth and joy. A right proper wrong-un.
Numbnuts
A village-grade thicko. The sort of dazed spanner who’d lose a race to a parked wheelie bin and still ask for a rematch.
Paedo
Park-side sweets and puppiey distributor. A kiddy fiddler. A Nonce. Often found disguised as a school. Stealer of youth and joy. A right proper wrong-un.
Pink Sock
A revolting plumbing malfunction in which your rear passage turns itself inside out like a fleshy cufflink after too much back-door enthusiasm.
Pissy Knickers
The clammy badge of dishonour earned when you ignored the warning lights and your bladder staged a coup in the middle lane of the A27.
Porn
Filth. Smut. Grumble. Wrist-friendly entertainment.
That glowing little rabbit hole where “just five minutes” becomes a two-hour hostage situation with your underpants round one ankle.
Pussy
Fanny, Clunge, Minge, Beaver, Front-Bottom, Velvet Wallet. Another word for cunt, depending on how affectionate or doomed the conversation is.
Scissoring
A much-discussed bit of lady-on-lady gymnastics in which two front-bottoms meet like angry origami.
Half passion, half PE equipment.
Shithead
A dribbling piss-kidney with the charisma of a damp oven mitt.
The sort of halfwit who could lower the tone of a funeral and still get told to pipe down.
Slaaaag!
A word stretched out by rejected blokes like cheap elastic whenever a woman has the nerve to enjoy herself without inviting their useless bollocks to the committee.
Sour Gash
A punishingly neglected front-bottom with the bouquet of a warm skip behind a fishmongers and the social pull of a condemned mattress.
Spunk Bubble
A tiny air pocket in your gentleman’s relish.
A little ghostly wobble in the yoghurt rifle caused by over-enthusiastic pumping and deeply questionable life choices.
Squirter
A lady so thoroughly revved up that the downstairs plumbing starts behaving like a cracked Super Soaker at a water park for slags.
Steaming Turd
A freshly launched brown torpedo.
A hot loaf from the devil’s bakery, still carrying enough vapour to suggest urgency, regret and maybe a bit of lager.
Sweaty Fart
A damp little arse-whisper that escapes on a summer’s day and leaves a warm postage stamp of shame between your cheeks.
Swollen Clit
When the lady-button has been twanged, thumbed and over-serviced until it resembles a pickled onion in a sleeping bag.
T-Bagging
A grim old party prank in which an unconscious victim receives an unsolicited visit from the dangling twins.
Pub-law nonsense for people banned from decent houses.
Thai Beads
A string of back-door baubles for the adventurous bottom enthusiast.
The sort of thing bought online at 1:14 a.m. by someone who describes themselves as “cheeky.”
Twat
A flexible British classic. Can mean idiot, mate, enemy, legend, or the bloke who’s just dropped a kebab on your passenger seat.
Also: another word for cunt, depending on local customs and number of pints consumed.
Wanker
A self-employed hand-shandy specialist. A one-man tug-of-war team.
Also: a perfectly serviceable insult for any bellend acting above his station in a quilted gilet.
